I thought grief would be over by now.
I assumed every memory would turn to a dull pain. Not this still sharp gut punch that leads to the ugly cry in the car or random bathroom stall.
I thought I could handle the laughter and joyful remembrances without sucking air wishing for his presence to be right back here within my touch.
I thought I would be finished crying with every worship song during church. For years I thought worship should be sung with joy and exuberance for what Christ has done for me. There is nothing wrong with that, joyful song. Just do a Google search like I did on joyful song bible verses and see how many you come up with. Hello? The Psalms are filled with this purpose. But, I’ve found the Psalms are also filled with people crying out in pain and yet, still worshiping.
I’m finding there is nothing wrong with coming to worship broken by what Christ has done for me. I am broken by what He has done for my child. I am broken.
I don’t necessarily want the raw feelings of grief to go away. I want every day to feel like my boy is going to walk right back in the front door. I want the easy memories of him standing in the kitchen looking for mail to kick me in the gut every time. I want the empty seat in the car to remind me there is no replacement for him here on Earth. I want this reminder that God has a seat for him in Heaven. And one waiting for me, for us, too.
If you are someone who has said it is time to let go of the grief, I may not be so willing. Letting go of the grief brings complacency. The harsh pain of heartache is a daily reminder of a place God has in store for those who believe in Christ. It’s a place that is so much greater than the pain this world dishes out. I want to remember and not let go of this reminder.
I thought the grief would be over by now. But I’m okay with it still being a part of me. I know more now than ever about what Christ has truly done for me on the cross. And it brings me to my knees almost daily with gratefulness.
I thought the grief would be over by now. But now I worship with an understanding that I did not have before. I replace names in song, in verse, in the Bible, and there is new meaning that I did not comprehend until grief undid me.
I thought the grief would be over by now. And I don’t want to go back to who I was before. I want this new awareness to live in me and and my worship. I and hope my grief comes to share a saving Christ with you.